I'm really sorry
by Brandy Michelle here
Summary: He hated yelling at him, jeez, he hated yelling at Ai. He hated these moments when just one glance could send a chair flying across the room, and he feared the day that it wouldn't hit the wall.


"Why don't you ever say what you feel, Nitori, damn you!"

He hated yelling at him, jeez, he hated yelling at Ai. He hated these moments when just one glance could send a chair flying across the room, and he feared the day that it wouldn't hit the wall. He hated his mouth and his impulses, and he hated getting so worked up he couldn't stop until someone was buried in the covers. He hated that, at times like these, he didn't care about his boyfriend touching the tip of a panic attack.

"W-why do you always do this, Senpai! Why do you always p-point out what I-w-what I-"

Why. Why is he the only one to make him cry.

"Just say what you feel, Nitori- " The temperamental cried out in frustration, curling his fingers through his hair and launching neatly stacked books onto the floor.

He knew he was scaring Ai, and that's what scared him. One of the few people in the world that he genuinely cared for, was frightened by him, all because he couldn't handle his emotions.

"Why do I even try with you! Why am I even with you! Do you know how infuriating you are, Ai?" stop it Rin, stop it shut up stop shut up, "You're like a drone doing what everybody tells you and never having one damn opinion to yourself! What the hell is wrong with you!"

His face, crap, please stop crying, I don't mean it, please, I love you.

"W-well then….WELL WHY DON'T YOU…WHY-" the smaller couldn't even get his words out, his sobs choked him, wrapping around his throat stopping any declaration that tried to make its way through, "Why don't you just go over to Nanase, then! G-go back to him, then-"

"Why is that all you talk about? Why are you so jealous of Haru? Is that what you want? You want me to be with Haru instead of you?"

Rin didn't need a mirror to tell that he was livid, and he didn't even know why! He was the one at fault! He basically started this whole thing, so what was he fuming for?

Nitori trembled, Rin's words bombing his system. Fighting with his boyfriend was always one-sided, always. Because when they had gone to far for reasoning, he'd completely shut down, losing almost every motor skill he had ever equipped. He looked so stupid, standing there, wide eye'd and crying, he couldn't even finish his defense. Haruka would definitely be a better candidate for Rin's lover. He was tough-skinned, no doubt blocking out the things that he didn't want to hear, while every word that was propelled at Ai mixed in with the air in his lungs and that was all he would breathe for days to come. He wasn't as needy, either, he didn't need to be held as much as Ai did, or reassured he was still cared for. Rin always seemed to chase after him while Haruka didn't even cast a glance back.

"Maybe that's it, huh." Rin's voice was barley above a whisper, "Maybe I do want Haru instead of you"

The missile hit and exploded, wiping out every thing that Ai had ever known, seen, thought of, felt, cared for, heard, touched, everything that had been building up toppled over and died. He died.

And then the numbness creeped in, distorting his vision, focusing in on the things that were not important. And then his throat closed up and shut off his lungs, and breathing had become a foreign concept that he needed to survive. Gosh, he didn't know what he was doing, he didn't know what just happened, he didn't even feel the cold, metal bars that sent chills up the soles of his feet as he scurried up the ladder to his bunk, and he certainly didn't feel the warmth of the covers around his body, instead the seclusion of his mind from the world that was Rin. The world that had just shut him out, gosh, it finally happened. This finally happened. He expected this, planned it even, practiced, rehearsed for those lines, but the pain that he'd felt then compared to the pain that he felt now where so, so, very different. Almost as if he had just woken up in another realm that persisted on showing him just how hard hardships can be.

He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping that any tears that were going to slip out had been condensed into non-existent gas. He was afraid to look, he was afraid to see, because if he saw it'd be real and he cursed himself for falling so deeply for anything that gave him the time of day. He hated himself for that, he hated himself for knowing that all good things must come to an end instead of him just being ignorant and saying all good things stay around forever because that would have been a lot easier than the truth. But the truth wrapped around him and he felt what he didn't want to feel, and knew what he didn't want to know. Rin, the boy who he had fallen so hard in love with, the only person who's touch he valued, who's laugh he savored, and who's lips he'd kiss, the only one who made him feel a different kind of way, felt those things with another and oh. Oh he hurt so bad. He hurt so very bad. Those tears who he had tried to get rid of condensed into feelings that he did not want to feel. And he did not want to feel them he did not want to feel he did not want to feel please he did not want to feel.

As night turned to more night and the thought of morning felt like a child's tale, Rin got up. A feat considering he had been paralyzed under the weight of his pride for a good portion of the night. Reason being he needed to apologize, he needed to- he needed- to—-

How? How would he do that? How in the universe would his apology be accepted? That the boy in the top bunk would even acknowledge him in the first place?

He told Ai that he wanted Haru instead of him.

Frustration getting the best of him, he very nearly almost kicked another trash can into the wall. Clutching his elbows, he calmed himself down. Okay, if he was going to get his boyfriend back, he needed a plan, wait- no he was terrible with plans, everything went wrong 100% of the time.

He thought about just winging it, but there was nothing to wing. Nitori was not a game, or a prize to be won, he was the prize to be won. Ai was beyond just another crush or a lost love, he was Rin's only love. His frist love. He loved him. He wanted him back, he needed him to know just how much he means to him, just how bad his life would be if he weren't in it.

Rin repeated those things in his head as he climbed up the ladder into a dangerous territory.

The sight of Nitori's small body curled up into a ball was enough to make him dizzy. Wrapped around in blankets and tucked in tight like a newborn, shaking slightly, quickly. Rin could hear his deep, labored breaths resonating throughout the makeshift cocoon. It'd just dawned on him what Nitori had gone though without him, what he'd gone through alone…

He extended his shaky arm out a little bit further, to just graze his pale foot that had been caught outside the blanket fort.

The body jumped slightly at the forbidden contact, before quickly curling up into a tighter ball.

Rin sighed at what he had caused, at what he had reverted Ai into. Afraid of touch. Afraid of contact. Afraid of him.

He cursed under his breath, nearly losing it again, before the foot beneath his hand recoiled back into the quilts.

"Nitori"

The grey-haired train-wreck whimpered at the sound of his name being spoken from that mouth, the only mouth he appreciated like he did. He wedged a knuckle in between his lips, not wanting to let the red-haired wonder know how much of an effect he had on him in that moment.

"Nitori"

He really didn't want to hear him right now. The pure passion that he had felt just a few moments ago, morphed into that of discomfort, anger, confusion. Why was he confused? Why was he angry? What was uncomfortable? Rin tended to do this to him on a daily basis, allowing him to feel these emotions that would slowly slice into his heart, and he'd bleed words, and tears, and hugs, and kisses, only to be filled back up and die again. And the scary thing was that he didn't care. He didn't care about the wonderful pain that Rin put him through because he was Rin. That boy could've done anything to him and he wouldn't care…he could change pain into pleasure with one flick of a finger-

"Ai"

"Senpai"

The words shot out of his mouth before he had a chance to process them. He fuming before he even had a chance to get angry. He was yelling before he even had a chance to open his mouth. He was crying before he even had a chance open his eyes. What he was saying was beyond him, Rin just sat and listened. He probably sounded crazed, like a dying animal that been shot 12 times in the heart. He was probably suffocating himself, rambling on while chocking on his own tears. And then he was pulled closer and held and he just cried. He had run out of words to say and out of points to prove. Rin did to him what no blanket could. And it surprised him every time just how warm he was, and how soft his chest was, and how steady his heart was, and how persistent his breathing was, and how raspy his voice was…and how soft his kisses were…and how strong his hands were….and…

Rin stroked silver strands and Ai rested, the events of the last 12 hours finally putting him to sleep. He liked watching him sleep, the small rise and fall of his chest, and the obnoxious snore that came with it. The cool stream of air that wisped its way around Rin's hand. He was beautiful, and he didn't deserve him. He didn't deserve his smile or his laugh, he didn't deserve his affection or thought, he didn't deserve to be his stress and his love. He didn't deserve any of it. Those were the thoughts that crossed his mind, but even so, as he held his little world in his arms, it felt as if nothing, nothing, not Haru, or Makoto, or Rei, or Nagisa, could feel so, so right.


End file.
